I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
