I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
