im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
