i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
