dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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