Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Barsexuality is the new black.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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