thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
