Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
