my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
