im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
