Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
