WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize