I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
