i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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