Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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