dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize