I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
