oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
