my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
