It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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