she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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