the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
