So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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