i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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