if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
