I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
