Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
