Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
