You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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