dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
