She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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