come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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