Can i not drive my cunt home
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
