I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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