i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize