TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
