dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
