just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize