i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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