I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
