Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
