I wish my penis had an off switch
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
