how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
