I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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