Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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