apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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