tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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