I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just took my morning after pill in the library
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
