I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
