Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
