Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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