At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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