Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
