the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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