he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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