once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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