I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
