In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
