it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
