Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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