I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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