he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
