I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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