if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize