just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
