This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
