when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize