I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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