I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
