Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to get me chipped asap
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
