I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize