the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
