I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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