Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
