in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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