Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize